For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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