My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
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He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
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I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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