A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
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I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
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You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize