Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
