just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
