Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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