Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
