that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
