Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
