Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
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How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
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It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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