i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
