Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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