I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
