My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
