Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
