I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I party with great urgency now.
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