I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
