Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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