I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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