Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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