Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
that is very illegal...i love you.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
