I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
