I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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