We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
