I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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