Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
