half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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