my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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