I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
