my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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