i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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