I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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