My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
