I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
