People in love make me want to vomit
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I am midnight drunk by noon
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
