The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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