Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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