sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
