You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
