Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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