my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
The air was thick with penises
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
