i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
