im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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