I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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