I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
