as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I believe in your delicious
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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