I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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