Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
