remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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