is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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