No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
