well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
The power of my boobs compel you
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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