Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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