you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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