Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
