Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Randomize
