Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
