I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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