I want to make a zoo with you.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Randomize
