No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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